The chairman – Page 67 – The Jeff Kenna League

Fingers in the cup

Cup group stage draw 2012 — No expense spared: The cup group stage draw was a lavish event

QUESTIONS are being asked by the Kenna HQ bean counters after the Chairman made a suspicious expenses claim for the Canestan Combi Cup group stage draw.

Dancing girls, lobsters and Nubian boys hired to pick only the blue M&Ms from hundreds of packets all found their way into a receipt submitted to the apparatus, as well as costs for an exclusive central London venue.

Sponsors and the media had been told the cup group stage draw, from which the top four teams from each group will progress to the knockout stages, had put Kenna HQ on a level with the London 2012 opening ceremony and the Queen’s Diamond Jubliee.

But evidence has been unearthed that the draw was a shabby, two-bit affair performed by the Chairman using nothing more than a handful of post-it notes, a beanie hat and four sides of A4 paper.

“These rumours are absolutely preposterous. There were girls in bikinis serving a lavish menu to a handful of global megastars. I can’t believe that social media reporting live from the event didn’t make that clear,” said the Chairman when confronted with a twitpic of the Spartak Mogadishu manager’s high top.

In light of the evidence, the Kenna HQ finance department is now asking for the £80,087,322 claimed by the Chairman back again.

The Canestan Combi Cup group stage matches will be played over five game weeks between now and the February transfer window.

In each game week two teams will compete head to head. The team that scores the most goals in that week will claim three points.

League table

Week 10 - 6 November 2012 — Week 10 – 6 November 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	PSV Mornington	El Pons	33	2
2	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	33	0
3	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	32	2
4	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	31	4
5	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	31	0
6	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	28	1
7	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	27	1
8	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	24	0
9	FC Testicluadew	James N	23	0
10	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	23	0
11	Woking	Mike	23	0
12	Headless Chickens	John N	21	0
13	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	20	1
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	19	0
15	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	16	1
16	Newington Reds	Dudley	16	0
17	Pikey Scum	Jack	16	0
18	Just put Carles	Carles	15	0
19	Greendale Rockets	Stu	14	0
20	Piedmonte	Phil	7	0

50p blame

Click to watch video: Gareth Bale reauctioned — Watch the video: Gareth Bale auctioned off again after being lost by the Pikey Scum manager on a Bramble

THE 50P GAME has protested its innocence in one of the biggest Kenna transfer window cock ups of all time.

Towards the end of Friday’s event in the upstairs bar of The Roebuck, the Pikey Scum boss signed flash-in-the-pan-form striker Steven Fletcher for £30m, taking the total cost of his team over the allotted budget.

Under the Titus Bramble ruling the club were made to forfeit their most expensive player and prized asset Gareth Bale, who also cost £30m, to be replaced by Belgian no hoper Steve De Ridder.

The Scum manager was quick to find a scapegoat in the 50p game.

“If I hadn’t been made to drink a whole a pint of cider because some Herbert dropped a coin in it, I can categorically state that Gareth Bale would still be Scum,” said the Pikey boss afterwards from a park bench.

But the 50p game has struck back, claiming that the Pikey gaffer necked the cider five minutes after the Bale debacle.

“If he had half a pound of sense he’d see that it’s all his fault. He’s a spent force in the Kenna,” said the 50p game, a shadowy figure who’s never been seen in daylight but only turns up once the Judean Peoples’ Front manager is half cut.

The whole affair is widely being held as the biggest Bramble blunder since the Vasco De Beauvoir manager lost £40m Sergio Aguero at the pre-season auction in August and was left with the services of nightclub dust up’s Leroy Lita.

Gareth Bale went on to be bought by Bala Rinas for £26m. A video of the sale is the second highest result on a YouTube search of ‘Julian Assange Anders Breivik’.

Seasoned mariner

A goal from new signing Shola Ameobi was not enough to take away the bad taste left in the Spartak Mogadishu manager’s mouth after the transfer window.

“Yarrrr! Which yellow-bellied landlubber filled me bag with salt and pepper shakers? When I got back to me cabin me iPatch t’was covered with condiments! If I gets me hook on the scoundrel he’ll be keelhauled and that be certain!” threatened the briny Somali, who controversially did not wear a ‘Kick It Out’ T-shirt to the window.

Look out this Friday for the group stages draw of the Cannestan Combi Cup on Twitter @jeffkennaleague

League table

Week 9 - 30 October 2012 — Week 9 – 30 October 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	PSV Mornington	El Pons	43	3
2	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	33	1
3	Headless Chickens	John N	29	1
4	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	29	0
5	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	28	2
6	Woking	Mike	28	1
7	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	26	1
8	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	25	1
9	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	24	1
10	Piedmonte	Phil	24	0
11	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	22	0
12	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	21	1
13	Just put Carles	Carles	19	2
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	18	1
15	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	18	1
16	Greendale Rockets	Stu	17	0
17	Pikey Scum	Jack	17	0
18	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	16	0
19	FC Testicluadew	James N	15	1
20	Newington Reds	Dudley	14	0

Scenes we’d like to see

Newington Reds manager with fax — Out of ideas: Despite the club’s Head of Ideas working tirelessly at the photocopier, the Reds gaffer was at a loss

IN-FORM forward Moussa Dembele shrugging his shoulders in utter confusion and pulling a face after getting the boot from Newington Reds.

A life-sized cardboard cut out of Luka Modric holding a rocket propelled grenade launcher being dumped in the skip behind the club shop at Spartak Mogadishu’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager giving Mario Balotelli his marching orders before giving his full backing to errant Cameroonian Olympic womens’ reserve team goalkeeper Drusille Ngako.

A clip of Yohan Cabeye on a French television light entertainment show putting an effigy of the Woking manager made entirely of garlic bread into a guillotine.

Lukas Podolski winding down his car window as he leaves the FC Testiculadew training ground for the last time and tells journalists: “I cannot Adam unt Eve it. My loaf it goz in Angela Merkels.”

These are some of the images we’d like to bring you from this week’s transfer deadline day, but instead the best on offer is this picture of the Newington Reds manager struggling to get the club’s creaking infrastructure into action.

“I’ve tried sending the request through four times on the office fax, and a further three times on an internet-based free fax service but it just won’t work,” said the Reds boss late on Tuesday night, pinpointing exactly why it wasn’t working.

The legal team at Kenna HQ were beginning to research how many fax-based emails from one manager would constitute harassment when in waded the Chairman.

“It’s obvious the Newington Reds manager has done his best to complete transfer business well before the deadline and he’s provided evidence of his attempts to do so by fax, so we’ll award him the £10m transfer-fund bonus,” he said.

Upon discovering the girl in the background of the photo was the club’s Head of Ideas, the Chairman was not so magnanimous.

“I’ll give you an idea, love: get a new, bloody fax machine!” he said.

Tonight’s transfer window

This evening managers will go head to head at auction to fill the gaps in their teams. Bonuses for submitting transfers on time earlier this week by fax machine mean the small number of available players tonight will go for vastly inflated fees.

Managers can pick Premier League footballers from two separate lists, but may not buy back anyone they’ve released:

The Unsigned – Not recruited by any club in August’s pre-season auction, these players are still available.
The Journeymen – Deemed surplus to requirements, these players find themselves back on the market.

New signings will begin scoring points for their new clubs next weekend.

Remaining budgets and gaps to fill

Team	Gaps	Budget
Vasco De Beauvoir	Five	£73.5m
Woking	Seven	£60m
Bala Rinas	Five	£52.5m
FC Testiculadew	Four	£51m
Pikey Scum	Four	£51.5m
PSV Mornington	Seven	£45m
Headless Chickens	Four	£44m
Northern Monkeys	Two	£40m
Dynamo Charlton	Three	£38m
Still Don’t Know Yet	Two	£36m
Hairy Fadjeetas	Two	£36.5m
Greendale Rockets	Four	£31m
Spartak Mogadishu	Three	£28.5m
Newington Reds	Four	£26m
Sporting Lesbian	Three	£26.5m
Wandsworth Window Lickers	Two	£25.5m
Piedmonte	Four	£25.5m
Lokomotiv Leeds	Four	£16m
Judean Peoples’ Front	Four	£19m

Easy targets

Tirowka — Gone in a flash: unsigned, in-form players are expected to be snapped up at Friday’s transfer window

NOWHERE is the enterprise and work ethic of the Polish nation in more evidence than this lay-by 100 miles south of the Baltic coast.

Among the lakes and woodlands of Europe’s Great Northern Plain, this blurry lady patiently plies her trade for just, local knowledge maintains, 35 zlotys a time (£7).

While this roadside boudoir, which consists of a green, plastic garden chair for waiting and a forest for everything else, gives both the lonely and the lasivious a secluded liaison, it also offers the more unconventional, shovel-carrying punter plenty of options.

Kenna managers will be hoping that this Friday’s transfer window is just as open a hunting ground, but with up to £10m in bonuses for submitting players to be released by Wednesday’s 12pm deadline and just a handful of desirable footballers available, competition will be fierce.

With the unsigned, in-form talent likely to attract large sums of money, managers may be forced, like the lay-by lady, to focus their efforts mainly on journeymen.

Top-scoring unsigned players

Strikers: Kone, Wigan (39 points), Shane Long, West Brom (36 points), Petric, Fulham (28 points), Di Santo, Wigan (27 points), Ricardo Vaz Te, West Ham (27 points)

Midfielders: Damian Duff, Fulham (35 points), Kightly, Stoke (24 points), McAnuff, Reading (23 points), Kacaniklic, Fulham (23 points), Raheem Sterling, Liverpool (22 points)

Defenders: Reid, West Ham (38 points), Jenkinson, Arsenal (27 points), Mertesacker, Arsenal (25 points), Chris Baird, Fulham (24 points), Kolorov, Man City (22 points)

Goalkeepers: Begovic, Stoke (23 points), Mannone, Arsenal (19 points)

League table

Week 8 - 23 October 2012 — Week 8 – 23 October 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	PSV Mornington	El Pons	34	4
2	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	31	1
3	Just put Carles	Carles	28	2
4	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	28	2
5	Greendale Rockets	Stu	26	3
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	26	2
7	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	22	1
8	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	22	1
9	Woking	Mike	22	1
10	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	20	0
11	Bala Rinas	Lewis	19	1
12	Piedmonte	Phil	19	0
13	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	18	0
14	FC Testicluadew	James N	18	0
15	Newington Reds	Dudley	17	0
16	Pikey Scum	Jack	16	2
17	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	16	0
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	12	0
19	Headless Chickens	John N	11	0
20	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	6	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Mata, J – CHE – MID
		Club	PSV Mornington

Just one, Borini

Cornetto — He’s from Bologna, in Italy: Fabio Borini’s summer is over unless he can find the net

There was a gentle tapping at the door.

“Enter!” said the Vasco De Beauvoir manager from his desk. It was performance review day.

A gauche Fabio Borini shuffled in wearing the club’s new training kit: brown with pink lightening bolts. The Vasco manager gestured towards the empty chair in the middle of the room. The Italian gingerly seated himself.

“Do you know why I’ve asked you in?” said the Vasco boss. He glowered, visibly on edge.

Borini looked at the floor.

“That’s right,” continued the manager, starting to toy with a silver letter opener. “I’d like to talk to you about expectations.”

The last word the Vasco manager pronounced very slowly. It was imperative he dragged the team out of this rut. Ever since the 2010 treble, results had dwindled. His empire was crumbling.

The Italian knew what was coming and rallied. He rattled out: “It’s just a matter of time for me. The same thing happened last season. I scored one goal before October, then got injured for three months and after that I scored my second goal in January.

“From January until March I scored eight goals. I know from past experience that the goals will come. In Swansea I scored six goals from March until May. The goals do com….”

“January! Fucking January!” yelled the Vasco boss, stabbing the paper knife into the polished mahogany desk and springing to his feet. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed in between picking up 10 fucking appearance points in the last two months, but we’re bottom of the fucking league!

“I need you to start pulling something out your arse, Sonny Jim, or you won’t just find yourself with the knife between your teeth, or whatever that contrived goal celebration is about, you’ll find this fucking letter opener giving you a Chelsea fucking smile!”

As he delivered this impassioned vitriol, the Vasco manager had picked up the dagger, moved around the desk and ended the outburst pointing it, shaking with rage, an inch from the quaking 21-year-old’s nose.

“B..b..but..” he stammered.

“Don’t fucking ‘but’ me,” screamed the Vasco boss, spittle hitting the Italian’s face. “I spent a lot of time justifying to the board why I forked out £19m for you. I told them you’re the next fucking Aguero.”

Borini knew better than to react at this last comment. Jermaine Pennant had been dropped after one start for mentioning the Argentine’s name in a team meeting.

“Now, let’s make a deal, “said the Vasco manager in a conciliatory yet strained voice. “You start scoring goals and I won’t sling you out of here like the slovenly luxury player you want to be.”

As he nodded his assent, Borini was saved by a knock at the door. He would not be the only player to get this one-on-one motivational talk today.

“And speaking of slovenly luxury players,” the Vasco boss was genial again. The head of Tomas Rosicky popped around the door.

“Come in Tomas. Fabio was just leaving,” said the gaffer. “Now tell me: why shouldn’t I injure your other shin?”

League table

Week 7 - 9 October 2012 — Week 7 – 9 October 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	39	2
2	Newington Reds	Dudley	33	3
3	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	33	2
4	Greendale Rockets	Stu	31	1
5	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	30	2
6	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	30	2
7	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	27	2
8	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	27	1
9	Headless Chickens	John N	26	2
10	Piedmonte	Phil	26	1
11	Pikey Scum	Jack	26	1
12	Woking	Mike	21	1
13	FC Testicluadew	James N	21	0
14	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	20	1
15	PSV Mornington	El Pons	19	0
16	Just put Carles	Carles	18	0
17	Bala Rinas	Lewis	15	1
18	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	9	0
19	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	7	0
20	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	5	0

This is England

St George's flag — In his heart: Piedmonte players have been made to watch Dambusters to practice their formation

THERE HAVEN’T been many positives in the career of the erstwhile Piedmonte manager.

For seven disappointing years he plied his trade in the Kenna at the helm of Thieving Magpies, sticking to the same dogged loyalty of picking England players to do a job that foreigners will perform with twice the results for half the transfer fee.

After starting their Kenna career with positive third and second place finishes in the opening two seasons, Thieving Magpies spent five years in steady decline. Supporters were patient, but when January’s nadir came with the manager admitting he couldn’t go out locally, it was only a matter of time before he got the boot.

Taking the reins of new club Piedmonte, it looked like the manager had made the same St George’s flag lapel badge blunders of the dark times at ‘Pies, but Darren Bent and Frank Lampard have come charging out of the blocks, ably assisted by Nathan Dyer and Ricky Lambert.

Even the inclusion of his preferred goalkeeper Rob Green appears a masterstroke. The former England man doesn’t get a sniff of action in goal at Loftus Road, where so many away strikers do.

“I like football the English way. It’s about keeping them honest,” said the Piedmonte manager, making the first team’s only foreigners Rafael and Fabricio Coloccini practice slide tackling on the training ground’s goalposts before sending them to buy runner beans from an untended table in a nearby village and checking they’d left some money.

The manager’s dogmatic approach has already caused ripples at the club, with £17m Dutch playmaker Rafael van der Vaart leaving for the Bundesliga.

“I’ve got the utmost respect for Rafa, but to be fair he was a bit of a luxury player,” said the gaffer, who went on to deny rumours the midfielder had left because the team had been made to watch ‘Escape to Victory’ before every match.

League table

Week 6 - 2 October 2012 — Week 6 – 2 October 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	43	4
2	Pikey Scum	Jack	30	1
3	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	28	2
4	PSV Mornington	El Pons	27	3
5	Bala Rinas	Lewis	24	2
6	Just put Carles	Carles	24	1
7	FC Testicluadew	James N	23	3
8	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	23	1
9	Newington Reds	Dudley	21	1
10	Greendale Rockets	Stu	20	1
11	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	20	1
12	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	20	1
13	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	20	1
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	19	0
15	Headless Chickens	John N	17	1
16	Piedmonte	Phil	17	1
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	13	0
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	12	0
19	Woking	Mike	7	0
20	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	6	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	20	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

Chairman challenges Chris Evans comments

Chris Evans article — Kenna suits have taken issue with praise of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager

BROADCASTER Chris Evans is to have his eyes tested after writing a glowing character reference of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager in his weekly column.

In the Mail on Sunday magazine at the weekend, the BBC Radio 2 host said the Judean Peoples’ Front boss was: “Top of the class, solid gold, as good as it gets.”

But senior figures at Kenna HQ have taken exception to the description by the bespectacled entertainer, which they claim bears no resemblance to the loud buffoonery and poor performance associated with the Welshman’s four-year league career.

“While we appreciate the noble cause that led to the article being written, we cannot let such fulsome praise of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager pass unchallenged,” said the Chairman at a press conference in lounge bar of the King’s Arms, Waterloo.

“Mr Evans’ comment about the JPF manager being ‘modest like that. All the best men are’ is wholly inaccurate taking into consideration a Kenna League tenure marked by poor man management skills, inappropriate jokes about hair colour and worrying parallels with Norwegian gunmen.”

It has been a controversial year for the Welshman. In the February transfer window, a leaked email – in what became known as the Ashley Williams affair – sparked outrage when he was found to have called his members of his first team an ‘under performing bunch of tossers’.

In April, when the team was found to have the fewest black minority ethnic players, the manager was forced to dismiss reports that his similarity to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik only ended at looks.

Judean Peoples’ Front went on to finish a disappointing ninth last season, the manager’s highest achievement in three campaigns at the helm.

Asked how he thought someone could draw such wild conclusions about the JPF boss, the Chairman said: “He’s obviously never sold Chris Evans a car.”

League table

Kenna table week 5 - 24 September 2012 — Week 5 – 24 September 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	36	3
2	Piedmonte	Phil	29	4
3	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	29	3
4	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	29	2
5	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	27	2
6	Woking	Mike	27	0
7	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	26	2
8	FC Testicluadew	James N	25	0
9	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	25	0
10	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	24	0
11	PSV Mornington	El Pons	23	1
12	Pikey Scum	Jack	23	0
13	Just put Carles	Carles	22	0
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	16	0
15	Greendale Rockets	Stu	16	0
16	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
17	Newington Reds	Dudley	15	0
18	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	15	0
19	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	15	0
20	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	14	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Lambert, R – SOT – STR
		Club	Piedmonte

Kenna club guide – Midlands and West

Immediately identify Kenna players in Midlands and West clubs: Aston Villa, Stoke, Swansea and West Brom.

Aston Villa

Given, S	GK	Dynamo Charlton	£13m
Dunne, R	DEF	Greendale Rockets	£3.5m
Hutton, A	DEF	Judean Peoples’ Front	£0.5m
Warnock, S	DEF	Hairy Fadjeetas	£2m
Holman, B	MID	Lokomotiv Leeds	£0.5m
N’Zogbia, C	MID	Sporting Lesbian	£6.5m
El Ahmadi, K	MID	Pikey Scum	£3m
Ireland, S	MID	Woking	£7m
Delph, F	MID	Northern Monkeys	£7.5m
Agbonlahor, G	STR	PSV Mornington	£7m
Bent, D	STR	Piedmonte	£16m

Stoke

Sorensen, T	GK	Woking	£4m
Wilson, M	DEF	Sporting Lesbian	£2m
Huth, R	DEF	Pikey Scum	£5m
Shawcross, R	DEF	Spartak Mogadishu	£11m
Upson, M	DEF	Dynamo Charlton	£2.5m
Delap, R	MID	PSV Mornington	£0.5m
Pennant, J	MID	Vasco De Beauvoir	£1m
Kightly, M	MID	Greendale Rockets	£5m
Etherington, M	MID	Newington Reds	£6m
Walters, J	STR	Lokomotiv Leeds	£7m
Crouch, P	STR	FC Testicluadew	£2m

Swansea

Taylor, N	DEF	Greendale Rockets	£0.5m
Rangel, A	DEF	Newington Reds	£3m
Williams, A	DEF	Hairy Fadjeetas	£3.5m
Michu	MID	Sporting Lesbian	£2.5m
Routledge, W	MID	Headless Chickens	£1m
Britton, L	MID	Judean Peoples’ Front	£0.5m
Sinclair, S	MID	FC Testicluadew	£11m
Dyer, N	MID	Piedmonte	£10m
Lita, L	STR	Vasco De Beauvoir	£20m
Graham, D	STR	Dynamo Charlton	£10m

West Brom

Foster, B	GK	Sporting Lesbian	£6.5m
McAuley, G	DEF	Vasco De Beauvoir	£0.5m
Olsson, J	DEF	Just put Carles	£0.5m
Tamas, G	DEF	Woking	£5.5m
Morrison, J	MID	Still Don’t Know Yet	£2.5m
Brunt, C	MID	Pikey Scum	£4m
Mulumbu, Y	MID	Newington Reds	£1.5m
Lukaku, R	STR	Spartak Mogadishu	£14m
Odemwingie, P	STR	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£6m

Norwich

Ruddy, J	GK	FC Testicluadew	£1.5m
Pilkington, A	MID	Headless Chickens	£3.5m
Snodgrass, R	MID	Dynamo Charlton	£6.5m
Hoolahan, W	MID	Hairy Fadjeetas	£2.5m
Holt, G	STR	Bala Rinas	£9m

Reading

Federici, A	GK	Lokomotiv Leeds	£0.5m
Harte, I	DEF	Vasco De Beauvoir	£10m
Pearce, A	DEF	Northern Monkeys	£3m
McCleary, G	MID	Hairy Fadjeetas	£0.5m
Pogrebnyak, P	STR	Pikey Scum	£8.5m

Southampton

Gazzaniga, P	GK	PSV Mornington	£4.5m
Clyne, N	DEF	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£6m
Lallana, A	MID	Spartak Mogadishu	£14m
Sharp, B	STR	Woking	£1.5m
Lambert, R	STR	Piedmonte	£13m

Newcastle

Krul, T	GK	Spartak Mogadishu	£21m
Ferguson, S	DEF	Still Don’t Know Yet	£1m
Santon, D	DEF	Sporting Lesbian	£4m
Williamson, M	DEF	Greendale Rockets	£4m
Taylor, S	DEF	Dynamo Charlton	£5m
Simpson, D	DEF	FC Testicluadew	£6.5m
Coloccini, F	DEF	Piedmonte	£10m
Taylor, R	MID	Lokomotiv Leeds	£0.5m
Marveaux, S	MID	Bala Rinas	£2m
Gutierrez, J	MID	Vasco De Beauvoir	£5m
Tiote, C	MID	Judean Peoples’ Front	£0.5m
Ben Arfa, H	MID	Hairy Fadjeetas	£6.5m
Cabaye, Y	MID	Woking	£17m
Ba, D	STR	PSV Mornington	£17m
Cisse, P	STR	Northern Monkeys	£15m

Sunderland

Mignolet, S	GK	Hairy Fadjeetas	£5.5m
Brown, W	DEF	PSV Mornington	£3m
Bardsley, P	DEF	Headless Chickens	£2.5m
Cuellar, C	DEF	Dynamo Charlton	£4m
O’Shea, J	DEF	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£5.5m
Johnson, A	MID	Piedmonte	£4.5m
McClean, J	MID	Bala Rinas	£14m
Cattermole, L	MID	Still Don’t Know Yet	£2.5m
Sessegnon, S	MID	Sporting Lesbian	£13m
Larsson, S	MID	Woking	£9m
Campbell, F	STR	Spartak Mogadishu	£0.5m