Inactivity: Gabriel Tamas, Micah Richards (centre) and Thomas Sorensen put Woking top of the luxury league
HAIRY FADJEETAS have hit out at BBC Radio Five Live after commentators branded Hatem Ben Arfa ‘a luxury man’.
The criticism came during the first half of last night’s match at Goodison Park as Ben Arfa continued to waste possession despite his team struggling in midfield at 1-0 down.
Comments made by summariser Danny Mills outraged the Hairy Fadjeetas midfielder’s manager.
“I’d like to see Five Live bring their ‘analysis’ to the bearpit that is the Kenna and then talk about luxuries,” he fumed from his Regency chaise longue in between mouthfuls After Eight mints dipped in asses’ milk fed to him by the woman who popped Marouane Chamakh’s cherry.
Luxury league
A ‘luxury player’ is considered to be someone whose individual talent can turn a game in his team’s favour, but who contributes little actual work to the side.
Identifying luxury players in general is largely a matter of opinion, but in the Kenna there’s a hard and fast rule.
Below, Kenna teams are ordered into a hierarchy of money spent on players who so far have contributed nothing to their side’s campaign.
Woking top the list, by virtue of having the most players on nil points, including that most profligate of signings – a luxury player in goal. Cynics might say that at one place off the bottom, the club also has a luxury manager.
Leroy Lita and the luxury player’s luxury player Tomas Rosicky have fin de siècle Vasco De Beauvoir a close second.
Considering his side’s dissolute approach, the Fadges boss would do well to heed to the BBC.
The Kenna was founded as the Fleet Street Fantasy Football League
LONDON: Wednesday 3 August 2005. Uncertain times.
The Piccadilly line reopened after the London Bombings 26 days previous had rocked the capital like never before (or at least until the pubs opened).
Despite bowling the Australians out by tea on the first day at Lord’s, the England cricket team had gone 1-0 down in the series. On the eve of the second test at Edgbaston the question on everyone’s lips was whether they could win the Ashes back after 17 years.
Edgar Davids joined Tottenham Hotspur on a free transfer from Inter Milan.
In the midst of these extraordinary circumstances, a group of eight distinguished gentlemen congregated at a pub near the site of the original Temple Bar, on the westernmost border of the City of London. Onlookers would have regarded these souls as unremarkable, but over the next four hours they went on to found what will be known in years to come as one of the capital’s most enduring institutions.
Under the auspices of the ‘Fleet Street Fantasy Football League’, this group of pioneers shed the tyranny of mass media fantasy competitions, of whose corporate wiles they’d all grown weary and disaffected, and created a pure format of the game, auctioning off top-level footballers over pints of Belgian Lager and branded ashtrays.
Little did they know, that 39 competitive weeks, two league name changes and one transfer window later, the Barry Norgrove Football League has all but come to the end of its first season; an emotional rollercoster of blood, sweat and avant-garde banter that will be remembered more fondly by history than the day Stanley rumbled Dr Livingstone interfering with the natives.
Four of those early tacticians are still managing teams in the Kenna this season. Over the years others have come and gone, left and stayed, but the central tenets of those events eight years ago still remain at the heart of the league: one of the managers can win and they don’t have to spend every Friday lunchtime making transfers and picking a bloody captain.
In the first of series of rose-tinted reviews, the Kenna will look back at it’s roots and those previous seasons. Most expensive summer signings, manager of the month charts, top points scorers and, of course, the final table will be featured.
Most expensive summer signings
Player
Team
Value
Points scored
1
T Henry
Stockwell Stockwell
£29.5m
274
2
W Rooney
Thieving Magpies
£28m
245
3
F Lampard
Thieving Magpies
£27m
203
4
S Gerrard
Barking Hoxton
£26m
230
5
H Crespo
Park Ji Sung’s Allstars
£20.5m
107
6
J Defoe
Dynamo Stockwell
£20
54
7
C Ronaldo
Bashers FC
£18.5m
101
8
J Terry
Vasco De Beauvoir
£18m
182
9=
R van Nistelrooy
Bashers FC
£17.5m
176
9=
R Ferdinand
Fat Ladies
£17.5m
83
As experimental as the first prototype of a homemade chastity belt, the initial auction rules were not the honed article of today. The customary £100m budget was established, but managers were able to pick two players from each Premier League outfit.
With only eight managers and a wealth of talent, even the most sought after players didn’t reach £30m. At 18, Wayne Rooney was already a prized asset. Stevie Gerrard and Frank Lampard would also go on to dominate shopping lists.
A certain Czech West Ham defender quickly become synonymous with being the type of player no one wanted to buy, but back in those chivalrous days the Titus Bramble ruling wasn’t even a twinkle in Tomas Repka’s eye.
Green = Manager of the Month, Red = Turkey of the Month
Thanks to a stingy back five of Paul Robinson, Steve Finnan, Kolo Toure, John Terry and Wes Brown, Vasco De Beauvoir dominated the league from September and were hard to catch from there, picking up five MOTM awards and becoming champions.
Stevie G and The Yak spurred on a spring assault for Barking Hoxton, who made second place their own for a large part of the season and finished there.
The Dynamo Stockwell manager did not enjoy the best of debuts. With a midfield built around Stelios Giannakopoulos, Dynamo’s pre-season prediction of a mid-table finish was woefully over ambitious. They came last.
Final league table
Barry Norgrove table – final standings
The top five individual performers have largely remained popular signings throughout the league’s history. As he would continue to do over the next few years, The Yak crept onto the high scoring charts.
The surprises were Vasco’s Steve Finnan and £500k Darius Vassell. They would both go on to discover, much to the detriment of future managers, this was the pinnacle of their careers.
How the league administration summed up the season:
“So there you have it. Vasco are champions of the inaugural Barry Norgrove Football League. They’ve led since Week 3, and apart from a period when Mr Robben was at his most theatrical, haven’t looked like slipping. “I think I’ll have a tumbler of pink gin tonight to celebrate,” exclaimed the ever-inebriated Vasco manager. “The boys have done good, and now I can spend the next couple of months immersed in blackjack and hookers.
“Barking Hoxton put up a spirited final stand, with the redoubtable Stevie G saving the final yet again. The much-jostled for third spot finally falls to those winged kleptomaniacs, so it’s Europe for them and Dio-calm for the Allstars. Despite a late spurt from the Fat Ladies (what an image) they remain in fifth spot. Stockwell Stockwell (Henry top scored the entire league) and Bashers (who posted the lowest weekly score of the season of -6) will recharge to fight again next season.
“And finally Dynamo Stockwell. What can one say? Hapless? They aimed for mid-table and failed to fulfill their mediocre ambitions. Only time will tell if they’ve historically posted the worst score ever in the Norgrove, but with more transfer windows promised for next season one would conjecture that only the Black Cats could do worse. One would also think that the manager has taken a long hard look in the mirror, contemplating leaving the gas on for a split second, and is now preparing himself for the muckiest of pints at the awards evening.”
The Dyanmo manager never did drink that mucky pint.
FOUR GOALS in three appearances for Spanish sensation Michu has gifted the Sporting Lesbian boss August’s Manager of the Month award.
The £2.5m attacking midfielder from Asturias has inspired the rest of the Lesbian side – apart from the injured Marko Marin, the rest of the team has contributed to their manager’s early success.
“We’re putting in some very good Lesbian performances. It’s really bringing the punters in,” said the Sporting boss, while taking delivery of a fresh batch of ping pong balls and listing the used ones for sale on a discreet, specialist website.
This time last season Just Put Carles were in a similar position, but could only end the season in a bitter lower mid-table dogfight.
The Kenna pump
£17m midfielder Rafael van der Vaart has moved to Germany. “Scheisse!” said the Peidmonte manager.
£500k defender Neil Taylor is out for the rest of the season with injury. “We’re not in crisis,” said the Greendale Rockets manager, whose also without Wayne Rooney.
Despite £35m Robin van Persie’s hat-trick and penalty fail, Still Don’t Know Yet are in trouble up front with £23m Mario Balotelli out with an eye injury. “He’s not looking so good,” quipped the SDKY gaffer.
£500k Lokomotiv Leeds midfielder Ryan Taylor is out until March with a cruciate injury
£1m Headless Chicken Andy Carroll is out for a month with a hamstring injury.
Just over a year after the FC Testiculadew manager signed him for £7m, Maicon has come to England.
More pricks than a second hand dartboard: Kenna membership is at record levels
IN MEMORY of legendary sports commentator Sid Waddell each manager has selected their own ‘darts music’.
From the sea shanty of Spartak Mogadishu to the FC Testiculadew ACDC classic, the leitmotifs are choices for the entrance music managers would have into the competitive arena of professional darts, where Sid plied his so eloquent trade.
“Nothing could show more athletic intent than a slightly overweight, middle-aged man awkwardly walking into a room full of delirious drunks to a floor filler,” said the Chairman, quietly impressed by Simon ‘The Wizard of Oz’ Whitlock’s entourage.
After the Fabio affair there were murmurs that the league administration were about as much use as Anne Frank’s drum kit, but Kenna HQ have utterly redeemed themselves by introducing arrows to the table to show movement from week to week.
The Kenna Pump
£38m Wayne Rooney faces a month on the sidelines with injury. “We’re not in crisis, we’ve still got Gervinho,” said the manager of crisis club Greendale Rockets.
£21m Clint Dempsey was left out of action again on the weekend. “He’s lost his head,” said the Headless Chickens boss.
£4.5m winger Adam Johnson might actually play a game this season after moving to Wearside. “I bought Glenn Johnson too, surely one of them will do something,” said the Piedmonte manager.
£3m former Bramble player Angel Rangel looks like one of the buys of the season. “I only signed him so I could say his name all the time,” chortled the Newington Reds gaffer.
Outlook: People used to say that Brazil were the Vasco De Beauvoir of world football, but those heady, summer, treble-winning days of 2010 seem a Rory Delap throw in away looking at the club’s current shower. In what’s become known as the most epic Bramble of all time, £40m Sergio Aguero was replaced in the auction by Leroy Lita, but a month-long lay off with injury means not even the prolific Argentine could have dragged this bunch of misfits to anything but a relegation battle. Tomas ‘Little Mozart’ Rosicky, himself off until October with injury, should be preparing a requiem for the manager’s chances of being employed come May.
Outlook: With the exception of £8m Stewart Downing, the Pikey manager seems to have assembled a side capable of making a first successful assault on the title. Will have a tough decision come the first transfer window, when he’ll have to jettison either Bale or Adebayor
Outlook: After seven years without silverware the Wulfrunian was sacked in May after taking the Thieving Magpies down. Despite circumstances reaching dire levels during that last campaign, he found a job at Piedmonte and things now appear to be on the up. Frank Lampard is already two goals to the good and Adam Johnson’s has made a positive switch to Wearside. The manager has retained the services of Darren Bent up front – a surprising move.
Outlook: Underachievement and a striking resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik has blighted the Welshman’s managerial career, but this time he looks to have assembled a capable side. Jelavic is already living up to the hype, and Hart, Cashley and Enrique should be good for at least 150 points each.
